I am currently sitting at my computer, staring at my screen and for once I feel speechless. I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know where to start. To be honest, I don’t know what just happened.
I was in my car the other day and the song “My Grownup Christmas List” came on the radio. You know, Amy Grant's version. This Christmas album is my childhood! Sorry, I digress.
Well when this song came on that day I began to cry. When I say I cried, I mean full on ugly cried in my car while driving. Am I exaggerating? Nope. I mean I could not breathe, ugly cry you guys.
Why? Because at that moment I thought about this post. I thought about what I would write for my reflection of 2020. I thought about the urge I had to simply weep for 2020. How all I wanted to do was sit in a puddle of tears and full on weep for this year and what it has brought to so many.
There is so much hurt in this year. There is so much pain that has occured. There is so much sadness and lost out there. And though I know with all of my heart there have been many moments of joy too, I know firsthand that it can be really hard to find those moments when it feels as though that all that keeps showing up is the hard stuff. I reflect back on how much this year has torn so many people up. Friendships and families at odds, no longer speaking. Divisions have been made among communities and fellow neighbors. My heart literally aches.
Many of us, including myself, feel exhausted, drained, depleted, over it. So unbelievably over it. It feels like we’ve been on a merry-go-round that just won’t stop.
It’s been a year of all years.
And then it hit me.
I need to shift my perspective. I am currently looking at this year through the lens of a previous version of myself. I am looking at this year from the perspective that life is hard and it just is what it is. But that’s not true. It’s not true at all.
We get to decide what lens we look at this year's reflection through.
I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. 2020 might not have been the year that we had planned for, but it for sure showed up in the way that we needed, even if it was one of the hardest years of our lives. What if 2020 gave us exactly what we asked for?
So that is when the true reflection began. This is when I did exactly what I tell the ladies in my tribe to do. Look for the lessons. Sometimes we have to dig deep to find them. Sometimes they are not clear yet. Oftentimes we are still in the raw, exposed wound, and it is too early to see what the scar will hold for us. But the lessons are always there. We just have to be open to receive them.
When I reflect back on 2020, I actually can’t believe the work that was done. Life changing shifts occurred. Let me explain and see if any might resonate with you.
My priorities. Through this year my priorities have shifted. This was a shock to me, because to be honest, I thought my priorities in life had been very clear. It was during this year that I was able to focus on my priorities and say no to everything else. This was a shift for not only myself, but others around me who thought they knew best of what my priorities should be. Though I thought my priorities were clear before, they really are now.
My values. Wow, this gets me right in the heart. Again, something that I thought I knew from a lot of the work I had done in 2019, but it became apparent to me that my values needed some readjusting as well. I learned this year that it was not hard to make decisions when I knew, with true confidence, what my values were and in what order they fell in. I learned to be confident in my values, and to live by them with daily practice.
My identity. It was thanks to 2020 that I realized something really big about who I am. For years I thought I was one person, but this year, I realized who I truly am. This was life changing. For most of my life I believed that I was broken. It was in 2020 that I realized I was not broken, but that broken things had happened to me. I will be posting a blog post about this work soon. Stay tuned for that journey.
My purpose. I was never truly sure that I would ever find my purpose in life. I thought that it was something that you just read about in books or saw in the movies. That it happened to “the lucky ones,” but then it happened to me. I didn’t realize it until closer to the end of the year. I had found my purpose. This discovery was thanks to seven amazing and brave women that allowed me to coach them this year. It was in my time with them that I found not only myself, but my purpose. I owe them more than they will ever know.
Well there it is. There is the reflection that I have been so desperately looking for. It was hiding underneath all the hardships and anxiety. I needed to pull back the layers of stress and tears to remember the joy, laughs and growth. It was there, I just needed to dig deeper to find it.
I am not going to lie, December was a month that felt like a year in itself. It was a month that for some reason brought back glimpses of ALL the hard things we experienced throughout the entire year, dumped into one month for a last attempt to sabotage all the work we have done. Well let me tell you what, I personally am not going to allow a month or a year to ruin it for me. I am not going to allow them to break me. I am not breakable. I am unstoppable. I’ve been unstoppable the whole dang year and I am not going to stop now. Have I had to pause and rest? Absolutely. Have I given up? Nope, nor do I plan to.
Bringing it back to that ugly cry in my car, I’ve come to realize that I am not going to weep for 2020. Nope, instead, I am going to make a grown up Christmas wish for 2021. My wish is that we begin to heal. As individuals, as a family and as a community. That we are reminded that we are not broken, but that broken things have happened to us. And those things do not define who we are. They only help build our strength to become the best version of us.
I look forward to a fresh start. A blank canvas. A year of endless possibilities. Thank you 2020 for the lessons and for the clarity. 2021 I am ready.
My goal is to show up in life unapologetically me and I want to show YOU that it is possible for you to do the same. As you may already know, my Sacred Sunday Reflection is a priority in my life and allows me the space to take the things sitting on my heart and share them with you. Join me on this journey and receive what have become my personal journal entries straight to your inbox.