It’s interesting, I started this blog post back in November of 2019 and then came back to it in January of this year. I named the post “Pause” and wrote a little blurb (below) about what I was thinking and feeling one day. The best part is, I couldn’t even “Pause” long enough to actually write the post and dig into those thoughts.
What I had previously written as the start of this blog post was this:
“I do not want to live my life on autopilot. I do not value “busyness” and for a lot of my life it has been filled with exactly that. I have decided that in order to live a life of intention, something is going to need to give. Rushing from one thing to the next. Not being present in each moment. This is not what I want my life to consist of. I have realized that it’s okay to pause.”
I reopened this draft post on March 22, 2020. As I type this, we are currently in the first week of Covid-19. We, as a nation, are quite literally being forced to do just this, pause.
My creative practice for writing my posts is that when I have something sitting on my heart, I often open a new document and will write out a couple of sentences so I can come back to it. If it is a really strong feeling, I find a piece of paper and just write it out as fast as I can and come back to editing later. For this one I was able to start a thought, but obviously it wasn’t an actual priority in my life at that time because I went back to it twice, neither time really adding much more.
Tonight I sat with my computer knowing that something was sitting on my heart all weekend and I needed to get it out. When I opened my blog folder I saw this title pop up and I was surprised. I had totally forgotten that I had even started this post. I had to reread it to see what I had originally planned for it. I actually laughed out loud. Little did I know back then what pause was really going to mean to us all today.
Like many of us right now, I have a lot of feelings that I am experiencing with everything going on. I feel afraid, anxious and stressed. I feel out of control and unprepared. Most of these feelings are causing me to spiral, and get lost in my own head.
I think the feeling that bothers me the most is the feeling of being out of control. It reminds me of how I felt back at the end of 2018 when I was at my breaking point. The thing is, when I think back to that time, I was SO fragile. I hadn’t been taking care of myself. I was a mess. Now I look at myself and think, WOW, the growth from there to here is unbelievable. If I was currently in the same place I had been back then I would have collapsed this last week. I would have bowed down and just given up. The crazy thing is I haven’t. The thing is, I’ve actually realized pretty quickly that no, unfortunately I am not in control of a lot of the things happening in the world right now, but what I am in control of is how I approach it all.
So how am I handling it?
I’m trying to do something about it. I am trying to be open to the lessons that I know for sure will come of all of this. What will those lessons be? I’m not exactly sure, but I have a feeling that they’re going to not only change me, but the entire world. That is as long as we are open to listening.
During this pause, I believe that we will all find a new balance. I think our values and our priorities will shift. I think we will find time to enjoy the things we have wanted to do for some time, but the “busyness” won’t be there to distract us.
I think we will find ways to come together and build stronger, more viable relationships and communities that will impact our quality of life.
I think we will have time to create. We will have time to play. We will have time to read and learn. We will have time to pray. We will have time to connect, and by connect I mean REALLY connect. Not the superficial connection we thought we were doing by depending on social media. I think we will find gratitude in the technology we are so fortunate to use as it is a way to keep us all connected during a time of social distancing.
I think we will learn things about ourselves, our loved ones, our friends and our children.
No, I do not know all of the lessons that will come of this time, but what I DO know for sure is that I am ready. I am ready to be open to it all. I am ready for the hard times, because I know they are coming. I am ready to find the moments of gratitude, because they will be there, we’re just going to have to really look for them at times. I am ready to listen. I am ready to receive.
I now believe I wasn’t supposed to write that post back in November. I now have realized that I actually had no idea what pause really meant until this moment right here, right now.
The entire world has been forced to pause and I am here for the lessons.
Continue your journey to be the best version of YOU, unapologetically.