I’ve always believed that I would find my worth WHEN………
Fill in the blank.
When I became a mother.
When I got the job.
When I got myself out of debt.
When I became a wife.
When I received the promotion.
When “they” accepted me.
When. When. When……..
It never comes.
I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t keep allowing myself to continue this search that is never ending. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am mentally drained.
I want to feel my sense of worth, without depending on others or milestones to define them for me.
The thing is, we were taught this. I don’t believe it was on purpose, but we were taught to search for our worth and to PROVE our value in order to feel worthy.
But what if we didn’t have to search for it anymore? What if we found it within ourselves? What if we valued and loved ourselves so much, that our worth was defined simply by who we were. Who we TRULY were at the center of our being. Imperfections and all.
How do we do this?
By realizing that all of the things we are trying to have validated by others, we actually already are.
I am willing to do the work, but in order to do so, I will need to step outside the internal storm that I have created for myself. I will need to stop the narrative that I have allowed to define myself and my worth. It is a narrative created of my past that no longer serves me. That narrative can oftentimes bring me to my knees. Striking me to the core. Making me feel as though I am never enough.
No more. I will no longer do this.
There are many times that I have to remind myself that I AM enough, just as I am, right here, in this very moment. That I am not my thoughts. That I am not my feelings. I need to let those things pass by me, as if they were clouds simply passing by the sun.
What I have come to realize is that more often than I’d like to admit, these times of diminishing my self worth come off the heels of trying to prove myself and my value to someone else. It is in those instances when I find myself trying so hard to make others see me, like me, or in some cases, love me. If they could just see who I really am, then they’d accept me. THEN I would be able to prove my value to them, and to myself.
THEN I would be worthy.
It wasn’t until recently that this all became clear to me. All it took was a moment of vulnerability. I was able to pause and step back and look from the outside to see what was really happening. It was then and only then that I was able to see what I had always been doing, but had never realized it.
At that moment I saw a little girl. She was standing in a crowd of people who were all too busy, looking everywhere else but down at her. As I watched that little girl, all I saw was that she just wanted someone to see her. To pay attention to her. To validate that she was smart. She was kind. She was strong. She was brave. That she was a good girl. That she was worthy of their attention, and their love.
It was at that moment that I realized that for most of my life I have been not only searching, but begging for my worthiness from others. That the feeling of not being enough stemmed from never feeling like I was good enough for them.
I had not only lost myself, but also a sense of self respect. For many years I was trying to form myself into the little box that they had made for me. This box that I believed I had to fit into in order to be worthy of their love. This box was filled with all the expectations of who I needed to be in order to become worthy. For so long I have tried to distort myself to be able to fit in this perfect little box of who they’ve needed me to be.
I found myself grappling at their feet, longing for them to accept me, to love me. When I couldn’t meet their expectations I found myself begging them to give me another chance. I’d do better. I could be better. I’d get it right next time. Please don’t leave me. I’m worthy, I’ll show you. I’ll prove myself to you.
I feel weak and sad even writing that, but it is my truth. It is in finding this truth that I also have found the strength to do the work to change these patterns. I’ll be honest, there was a time when I started to question if I could truly be me without the love of others. That without them, I would never be complete, but the thing is, I can.
So from this day on, I will no longer beg anyone for my worthiness. If someone’s love has parameters, or they need me to conform myself in order to fit in their box to receive their love, then they are not worthy of mine. What I’ve realized is that I would much rather suffer from the pain of losing them as a part of my life then ever abandoning myself again.
I am grateful for this clarity and for this lesson as it is one that I will now teach to my daughters. It is something that I hope they learn much faster than I have. The lesson you ask? That I have always been worthy. From the moment I took my first breath, I was worthy. I just had to remind myself what I had forgotten for so long. It’s okay though, we all get lost sometimes.
Continue your journey to be the best version of YOU, unapologetically.