I love my children so much. I am forever grateful for the gift of being their mama, but this season, this current space we find ourselves in, this is hard.
I remember back to my maternity leaves, the anxiety and stress I felt for the constant countdown as each week melted away. The time flew by so fast. It went too quickly. I ached for that time to last forever. That time to just be home with my children.
Yet, here I sit in this space where we are all home together, safe and healthy, but yet I feel so stressed and anxious, but for a different reason.
The guilt is tearing me up inside.
I’m trying my hardest to get to the core of what I am feeling, but it feels too big.
There have been so many beautiful moments during this time. Music and laughter often fill our home. I truly feel as though I am really getting to know my children. I feel that they are getting quality time together too. Time they wouldn’t have had, had they be at school or daycare. Man, what a gift. We have had so many fires and indoor and outdoor picnics. Baking and dance parties are on the regular. We are finding joy wherever we can.
So what is wrong? What is that knot in my chest?
Though we are home 24/7 with our family, both my husband and I are still working full time from our home offices. Our kids don’t understand why we’re always on our phones and computers. Why we can’t play with them at the drop of a hat. They don’t understand that of course we want to sit and have a 1 PM team party, but mama has a conference call with a major stakeholder. “Later” is a term we seem to overuse in this house.
They don’t understand that we still have jobs that we have to continue doing that will allow us to stay healthy and safe in our home during this time.
I’ll be honest, the noise in my head is strong. The narrative that I’m not enough is on constant repeat. It sounds something like this.
“You're not a good enough leader- you’re letting them down.”
“You’re not a good enough wife- you could be doing better.”
“You’re not a good enough mama to your oldest- she is hurt and sad and you can’t fix it.”
“You’re not a good enough mama to these littles- you're letting them down academically and because of THIS they will always be behind.”
You are not enough.
Wow. To actually write it out hurts. It actually breaks my heart. It brings tears to my eyes as I write it.
This is the narrative that is on repeat in my brain and the anxiety and stress that it causes throughout my day haunts me.
If you look at me though, you’d maybe never know. I put a smile on my face. I act the way I want to feel. I move through my days praying to just keep it together. I meditate daily and try to set my intentions each morning. I try to speak truth to myself, but this, THIS is my truth. This is what that ball of anxiety is made of. This is what you will find at the core of my soul right now and it is breaking me from the inside out.
After I posted to my social media account that this is hard right now, so many people reached out to let me know that I was not alone. It felt so good to know I am not the only one thinking these things. So I decided I would write what was on my heart, because someone, somewhere is feeling this too and I need YOU to know, you are not alone. This is big. This is hard. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
I have to believe that there is a lesson in all of this. No, scratch that. I know there is a lesson in all of this. The thing is I am finding it really hard at times to push forward and find it. I have yet to find the answer, but I am not done looking for it. I promise, once I find it I will share it with all of you.
So here, this is my truth. This is my raw, vulnerable truth. Today you get my deepest thoughts and fears.
I believe that together we will all learn and we will all heal. It will take time, but I believe it to be true. I believe that together, we will lift each other up and remind one another and ourselves to have grace and compassion. I look forward to writing the post that follows this one where I have learned the lessons and have healed from all of this. But today, this is what you will find sitting on my heart. This is me being unapologetically me.
Tell me, are you feeling a version of "not enough" in this season?
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